.::|Dide(3)d's Blog::. » Shaggy Dog Story aka Jokes!

Year 2020

Dejoe John — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:59:23 +0000

Operator : ‘Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your…’

Customer: ‘Heloo, can I order..’

Operator : ‘Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?’

Customer: ‘It’s eh…, hold…….. ..on….. .889861356102049 998-45-54610′

Operator : ‘OK… you’re… Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094 2366 your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 98801 62566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?’

Customer: ‘Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : ‘We are connected to the system Sir’

Customer: ‘May I order your Seafood Pizza…’

Operator : ‘That’s not a good idea Sir’

Customer: ‘How come?’

Operator : ‘According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir’

Customer: ‘What?… What do you recommend then?’

Operator : ‘Try our Low Fat H okkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it’

Customer: ‘How do you know for sure?’

Operator : ‘You borrowed a book entitled ‘Popular Hokkien Dishes’ from the National Library last week Sir’

Customer: ‘OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?’

Operator : ‘That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is 409.00′

Customer: ‘Can I pay by! credit card?’

Operator : ‘I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs.3,30,720.00 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges
on your housing loan, Sir.’

Customer: ‘I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives’

Operator : ‘You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today’

Customer: ‘Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?’

Operator : ‘About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.. .’

Customer: ‘ What!’

Operator : ‘According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…’

Customer: ‘ ????’

Operator : ‘Is there anything else Sir?’

Customer: ‘Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?’

Operator : ‘We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…. … ‘

Customer: #%&@$^

Operator : ‘Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman… ?’

Customer: [Faints...!!!]

50 more words every sci-fi fan (and most gamers) should know

Dejoe John — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:57:00 +0000

It all began with 75 words every sci-fi fan should know, which gave way to another 25, then 30 more, and finally 40 more after that. We won’t stop until we’ve got a complete science-fiction glossary, so here are the next 50 words every sci-fi fan should know. (Yes, FPS and RPG fanboys, there are lots of gaming terms mixed in here. As the first generation born into a world with ubiquitous video games grows into adult authors, the twin lexicons of sci-fi and gaming are overlapping, intertwining, and cross-breeding with much artifice and aplomb. See Gibson, William and Stross, Charles.)

Think we’ve missed some? Let us know.

President Obama Gives IPod to Queen of England

Dejoe John — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 10:17:04 +0000

It’s April Fool’s Day, and we certainly couldn’t blame you if you chose to disregard this story, but we have it from no less than the New York Times that Barack Obama, in his maiden overseas voyage as head of state, has given the Queen of England an iPod.

And not just any iPod, no siree. It’s an iPod loaded with pictures and video of Her Majesty’s 2007 visit to Virginia, where she went to historical sites such as Jamestown and Williamsburg, as well as the state capital of Richmond (seriously, though, would it kill her to get out of the thirteen colonies?). We don’t know precisely what kind of iPod the President gave her–we hope he sprung for a touch (laser-engraved, naturally); I’m sure the Queen has just been itching to get at the App Store.

The Queen, by most reports, was currently rocking a circa 2005 6GB silver iPod mini, so I’m sure she’ll be glad for the upgrade. In addition, Obama gave her a rare songbook signed by Richard Rodgers; the Queen, in return, gave him a signed, silver-framed photograph of her and the Duke of Edinburgh, the same gift she reputedly gives all her other important visitors–we hear that Russian Prime Minister Vladmir Putin does the exact same thing.

Image via AP

You Know You’re An Internet Addict When: :)

Divin John — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:43:29 +0000

You spend more time on your girlfriend’s home page than with your girlfriend.
You didn’t know that Firefox was also a movie starring Clint Eastwood.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
There’s a permanent ass-groove in your computer chair, but you haven’t noticed.
You’ve said “no” to sex in order to view Internet porn.
You’ve rationalized installing a mini-fridge, microwave, and port-a-potty at your workstation.
You go shopping every week, but you’ve never been inside a mall.
You don’t believe anything you read in a newspaper unless you verify it on a news site.
You think that 404 is the number of the beast.
You refuse to go outside because of the sun: “it burns! IT BURNS!!”
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. And you have an ethernet connection right next to the toilet paper.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
You crank up your surround-sound whenever leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos.
You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have IRC, ICQ, or Instant Messaging.
You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
You have commandeered your teenager’s phone line for a secondary net connection in case your ADSL goes down, and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have gender-neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.
Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”. So you file for a divorce…online.
You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or higher.”
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited.”
You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and add her to the network so the two of you can chat.
You refuse to go on vacation where there’s no electricity, phone lines, or hotspots.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a data-enabled cel-phone, and a wi-fi PDA.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

Classic Geek Jokes: Funny Unix Commands

Divin John — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:37:33 +0000

% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist]

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% “How would you rate George Bush’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (‘s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce? man::
Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

He wanted to check Facebook, so he stole a laptop

Divin John — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:10:50 +0000

Checking your Facebook page is, perhaps, the most important part of the day.

At least that was the mistaken belief of 19-year-old Corey Kinney. He wandered into a Starbucks in Bradenton, Fla., and noticed a man with a laptop. So Kinney asked him if he could borrow it for a moment to check his Facebook page.

The laptopper, Gary Lyman, was a little busy. History does not record whether he was checking his own Facebook action. Or whether he was enjoying some other significant online pursuit. But he told Kinney he could not spare his laptop for Kinney’s social networking.

Kinney made as if to accept living a little longer without knowing if someone had poked him. Then, in a move seen in many a playground and episode of “Law and Order,” he swiveled, snatched the laptop and ran.

Which doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, where was he running to? To another Starbucks where he could find a hotspot? To his buddy’s house where there was Wi-Fi? No, it seems that Kinney wasn’t actually caught up in Facebook frenzy. He merely thought he could use it to get himself a free laptop.

“There he goes! He said he needed to Twitter!”

He admitted to police afterward (oh, yes, a couple of mall bystanders mowed him down like a running back who’d forgotten to take his HGH) that his aim was not to network socially.

Instead, it was to commit a crime that “did not hurt anyone”. He needed money. He knew that Starbucks was a haven for laptops. And, by the way, someone who has their $4,000 laptop stolen is, allegedly, according to Kinney, not a victim.

They have interesting names for crimes in Florida. The police charged Kinney with “Robbery by Sudden Snatching.” To be distinguished from “Robbery In The Style of Teresa the Tortoise.”

You see, Kinney, not everyone (yet) cares about Facebook. You should have gone for one of the older standards, such as a dying relative. Or, even better, a dying dog.

Or you could have followed the quite ingenious example of a beggar outside San Francisco’s 4th Street parking lot: “My Wife Has Been Kidnapped. I Need Money For The Ransom.”

Dear Tech Support

Dejoe John — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:30:18 +0000

Dear Tech Support: I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies will not crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. However, I am embarassed to say I can not find the switch to turn the sound off. I have resorted to running them separately, and it seems to work okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf 3.0 program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0 but I thought I might see better proformance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably did not have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, GirlFriend 2.0 uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 Beta Version. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and installed the virus-protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I cannot understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. In addition, I have never liked how GirlFriend is totally object oriented.

A year ago, afriend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriend Plus 1.0, which is a terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you do not upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he connot load anything else. And although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with a MotherIn-Law, which has an automatic pop-up feature he connot turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all of your MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress one will not install anyway because of insufficent resources.

Looking for advice on how to sort this all out.

3 Engineers and the Stalled Car

Dejoe John — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:29:18 +0000

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, “Let’s strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred.”

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, “Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system.”

The Microsoft engineer suggests, “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work.”

If Microsoft Built Cars

Dejoe John — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:27:51 +0000

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

Not only that, but….

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver wouuld cause your car to stop an fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Overheard in a computer shop…

Dejoe John — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:26:39 +0000

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”

Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”

Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”